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well THE ONE ASSISTANT at work is a bully, they are always making fun of my disabilities and issues... I wish for once I could catch a break, but the Bellatrix Lestranges of this world will all choose to be cruel and malicious... well, they're actually funny, but laughing when it hurts... well that's a different kind of trauma. hopefully, this year is different and I can show them that I am just differently abled.

well the year is gone and I have no idea what i've done with it yet again. I spent NYE medicated and sleeping. the one thing I did do on new year's day, was get my paperwork notarized... for as long as I can remember, I have talked about changing my name, and it is finally set into motion. paperwork has been uploaded to the county and should be in the works in the next month. I am freeing myself one next step from the torture that has been the memories of the abuse endured by my biological dad. the name I chose was the name that was actually supposed to be my birthname and i'm dropping his last name to my maternal one only. as I look forward to this coming year, I know it to be the year of transformation, and i'm so excited to see what that means for me and you... after all, for some reason i'm still part of your story, how you have not tired of me, that is beyond me. tanti auguri for us all...

there is nothing that annoys me more than cowards who are quick to throw stones and then look away. 

Well it's been a couple of months and reality could not be more different since my last update. 

I moved to a new place and while I've been there for like 2 weeks, I haven't really unpacked. I hate moving, this time it really hurt me though. 

So in 2017 I went back to Texas due to not having a job and I had been having a ton of health issues that I just couldn’t keep up with. In the time I was in Texas everything got worse and worse. The breaking point began in the spring of 2018, I was not aware, but I was having absent seizures again and also actual physical convulsions at times. I shattered my left wrist and have so many scars from when I was just falling and having episodes all the time.

I never really had an easy life, I grew up with a lot of abuse, physical/emotional/sexual… I was no stranger to pain or cringe situations. I was angry that everything the people who abused me was always hushed up because a good Christian is submissive… a good christian can put up with abuse for the sake of being abused… or so I was repeatedly told, and they despised the gays. 

I grew up with chronic clinical depression, chronic pain, PTSD, etc etc. So when the seizures started back up, I was glad there was brief moments in time when I did not exist, where I did not remember, when I did not feel. It was such a relief. Then in December of 2018, the church I had been at in Ohio called and asked if I could come back. They required my service in several areas, and I agreed. I bought my plane ticket and packed my bags. Little did I know what was in store for me…

Around the first or second week of January I had 2 major strokes, back to back. The first happened one night, the next was the following morning. I have no recollection of any of this mind you, I only know what I was told because I lost 3 months worth of memories… I see pictures and while I see myself in them, I have no idea where I was or what I was doing. I was transferred around 3 hospitals due to needing more and more specialized care, I didn’t remember any of it, and to be honest, I wasn’t curious until my mom moved up here and kept crying every time she would see me, that was last year. But I still came to Ohio on the scheduled date 01/31/2019.

Well 2019 was a year of discovery, then 2020 hit and the pandemic was looming. We finally got the shutdown in the spring and it was glorious. While people complained about gaining weight and struggling with so many issues, mainly anxiety and depression, I was doing sooooo good. I lost weight, my health was pretty much at its peak. In the middle of summer last year, I had to have surgery on my right foot due to some complications and a severe infection that was near the bone, to the point of after the surgery for 5 months they still kept telling me I was at a high risk for an amputation. 

My back started feeling a bit better during that time, I had had 4 vertebrae diagnosed with DDD, basically all 4 dead. This past winter after MRIs and a few appointments in the early Spring, my spine specialist said he had no idea how or where I did it, but I only have 2 degenerated disks left, and they are living… the dead stay dead, there’s no way to make bone live again, but you know Ezekiel 37. 

A few months ago though, my feet decided to give me sooo much trouble and the right foot one day at work just quite strangely exploded, there was blood everywhere with no explanation, so my employer sent me to the ER… They scheduled for the first day of surgery available, which I had to wait for over a month. They surgically broke both feet and told me that minimally I’d be looking at 6 months unable to walk… I walked from day 1, and it has been painful and a big thing, but I have little swelling left (the swelling is expected to last at least 1 year), and being diabetic, they thought that the actual sutures would require months of care. I had the stitches removed on the third week. I still bled a few times after that, but currently you can barely even see the site. A few days before the surgery though, I was assaulted… because life. They broke my left wrist again, but then 06-22-21 morning they called me to tell me first thing in the morning that I was completely disabled, so I had an appointment scheduled that morning with a hand specialist… they told me the break healed nicely, but the prior break was a problem and I should have surgery for it. 

So all this to say, it has been a weird few years, but it is all coming to a very good ending. I don’t have to worry about struggling to work and old wounds have healed. My broken dead bones are alive… honestly, I could never have imagined being so blessed. I’m not even going to talk about the 7 times I’ve flat lined both heart and brain.

Well it's been over a month since I last posted, and I'm getting notifications that the subscription is about to renew... So why do I continue to keep this?

Anywho, I am scheduled to have surgery next month and I'm going to be bed ridden 2-3 weeks... not looking forward to it, but it is a necessary step in the right direction. I am also vaccinated now, so I'm just waiting to be considered fully vaccinated in a few days. I am exhausted to no comprehension, and I cannot take this anymore. My brain has become so foggy I hardly know what I'm doing at the moment. 

Still I remain knowing that I am loved and watched over, even when I seem like I have no hope left, I am resilient and will survive it all.

I have been back in Columbus for almost 2 years now and in that time, I have had to put up with a lot through the recovery process and with different relationships. People that I once considered friends are now barely people I once met. 

Probably the worst of it all was someone I considered a friend but after living with him, cannot stand his gaslighting and victim fragility... he's white so there's the whole white fragility argument that leads me to say victim fragility. He has constantly shamed my culture, done worse with my language, and worse for my community. The thing is, the community he has backstabbed time and time again keeps him around and embraces his unethical behavior, and while I have done nothing to the same effect, the community has chosen to not to deal with him and instead pushed me towards the outer margins where I am at a loss... not the only person that mistreats me, but I'm not here for any of them. I know what my mission is and they are not a part of it. 

I dislike having to pay for others broken plates, as they say in Spanish and I have had enough with being yelled at for things that either were not my fault, or worse, did not even involve me at all. I have suffered enough in this world, until when will I need to be held accountable for other's mistakes that really have nothing to do with me? I allow people to assume the worse while it doesn't actually affect me, but it's gotten to the point where I'm actually affected by all of this.

I am looking for relief, not pity, or to run away from my responsibilities. Hopefully this is clear enough... and yes, if you know me, it is exactly who you might be thinking, but unlike him, I have actually spoken with him directly of the issues instead of blabbing all about town to third parties that have little to do with any of it. Sadly, at one point I did all I could to help him and considered him a friend, but now it is clear, he was only looking out for the gain he could attain. Since I stopped supporting his narcissism, I apparently became someone to beat around and accuse of his own mistakes... done with Alex. He does not get to engage with me unless it is necessary. 

the #apologetic #steward of my #gifted #life